chamberstick

by to julian

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about

an exploration, an introspection, and a reflection on what finality means and how i'm learning to grapple with it. a recorded diary of 22 years of akasha. this is how i fly into myself.

credits

released June 29, 2019

all songs written, recorded, mixed, and mastered by michael joseph bumbalo in their bedroom in raleigh, north carolina. except godwind which was in an nyc chinatown subway? brought down to the living room to be bounced, compressed, and one final master through an msr-16 reel by zachary sterman.

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to julian Raleigh, North Carolina

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Track Name: akasha pt i
i
don't see you
in my dreams
like i used to

and maybe
you're still running away
like you did that night
during your hospice stay

when you come back to me
it'll all feel good again
if you come back to me
i hope it'll feel good again

and it must smell so nice
in your garden poised so high
most days i'll search for that scent
because i can feel you blooming all over again

can't wait for
you to tell me
what this all means
how you're perfect sweet

thought i saw you in the sky
but it was just the tears in my eyes
they never seem to dry
Track Name: infinity string
i miss everyone
that i have ever loved
and memories are all dreams
they look like infinity strings

pull back the clouds
i want to see your face

thought i'd be long gone
by the time i turned 21
the shadows bite so black
when i'm with you, i'm not sad <3

pull back the clouds
i want to see your face

and maybe one day
the world will figure out
how to repeat itself
and i'll get to love you
all over again
just like i do right now
and just like i did back then

it's the time looming over our heads
that makes the fantasy of life so sad
please don't wake me up yet
i've still got so many dreams left
Track Name: debriding
staking for a change
but my door is shut
breadwinner's sweepstakes
is a lonesome den

shadows skirting the staircase
and their voices are ghosts
scrape away at the edges
but you'll never feel home

cage myself in the room hung up with all the sheen
fiction; but i'm fixed in
pack the shadows in the baggy; it'll hurt for what it's worth
believe me if you don't wanna see me

i'm home from work, i've blown my worth, record the tune and watch the sounds
mingle; i see them with my eyes closed
soak the sins, once again, we're not friends, no amends
i'm sorry! for an infinite quarry
i'm sorry! for an infinite quarry

all i ever wanted
was a gentle light
set the sky on fire
what a perfect sight

michael, you're so pretty
in your hermit garb
but don't go running in your dreams
you won't make it far

cage myself in the room hung up with all the sheen
fiction; but i'm fixed in
pack the shadows in the baggy; it'll hurt for what it's worth
believe me if you don't wanna see me

i'm home from work, i've blown my worth, record the tune and watch the sounds
mingle; i see them with my eyes closed
soak the sins, once again, we're not friends, no amends
i'm sorry! for an infinite quarry
i'm sorry! for an infinite quarry

you might not ever know
why it continues to snow
don't hold up for me dear
refuge will never be near

IT'S ALL
DEFEAT
NEVER
PERFECT SWEET

i just want to be left alone
isn't it something? we're nothing.
friendly is fatal

and now, we've made it here.
do you feel it too? like i do?
lonely is loud
Track Name: it'll all repeat itself
watched the clouds get low today
and felt my heels lift up to meet them
and embrace
in some matrimony of ether and soma
just one more holy wind to protect me
with the ash from a cigarette
blossoming
as my wind laps around me
like a snowglobe
singing all the songs that echo
it's just a little boy
winding it up in the bathroom
all alone
fleeting dark
perfect sweet
can't wake the parents
and won't wake the siblings
they're dreaming too
like he does when the snowglobe echoes
and when the time comes to lie down
it'll all repeat itself
Track Name: untitled pt i
it's been
so long
since i've seen
my mom

and all the years
of rainfall
where has
your boy gone

scream me out
of your bedroom
mama why
do you smoke?

i'm always on my own
my little shadow box
never fed
forever's spent

bathe in your sins
but you'll never feel clean
soak up the sheets
fabled childhood fantasy
tried to forgive you
but inside it's still due
bound like a bible
all that guilt inside you

i've been thinking this over;
did it hurt back then like it does right now?
and concealed down to the bones
the only skin my mom knows are the bits left cold
despite the monsoon,
the white dove's wings are bloodied maroon
where have you been?
the distance we feel is the only thing that's real
Track Name: untitled pt ii (what will we cling to)
in the end of it all
what will we cling to?

what's our last goodnight
without i've always loved you?
Track Name: akasha pt ii (it's pretty like that)
imagine your life
without a price
no pain and no loss
maybe you're not gone

it's pretty like that
but life's not like that

at heaven's gates i'll stand and wait
for all my friends to get here
we'll thumb our way through the akasha
like it's a little scrapbook

it's pretty like that
i hope death is like that

it's pretty like that
and i love you like that

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